Apparently you make a good broom.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
