I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
