if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
