Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
