According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
