The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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