I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
