WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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