My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
