She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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