I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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