Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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