I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
