i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i think i just lost a toe
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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