i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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