Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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