I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My cat gives me a boner
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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