He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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