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Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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