Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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