So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
