I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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