Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
