Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My pussy is not your playground.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
