The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit