How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?