someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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