I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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