she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
