at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
