Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
