Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
