there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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