he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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