This house was built for laser tag.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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