there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
