The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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