I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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