This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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