even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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