just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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