Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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