i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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