we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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