She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
