Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
