The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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