Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
