I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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