im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
