Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How naked do you want me to be?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
