Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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