Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
