So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
