MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
